Fuck My Life

I recently began to follow fxxxmylife on Twitter. Its the twitter feed for the website http://www.fmylife.com which is a site where people send in short anecdotes that all end with 'fuck my life.'

Here's a few of the better ones from the last week:

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

Today, I walked out to my car to see four kids taking the hubcaps, radio, and license plates off of my truck. I chased them six blocks until I tripped and twisted my ankle. I limped back to my car and found a ticket on my windshield for $55 dollars. The reason? Missing license plates. FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 5 years having sex with my best friend. When they saw me they immediately stopped and said nothing. After about 5 seconds of silence my boyfriend yells "April fools!!". April Fools was 12 days ago. FML

Today, a women drove through my house. She was texting and eating watermelon at the same time. I didn't know that was even possible to do. Now my house is condemned. FML

Today, I was woken up to my mom playing the piano awfully. I screamed down the stairs "you suck, stop playing!" Turns out it was my 5 year old cousin playing a recital. For my entire family. FML

Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I'm faking the debilitating disease I've had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don't want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML

Today, I was at the aquarium with my boyfriend. I ran to my favorite section: the petting section and started petting a sea slug. My boyfriend eventually came up next to me and I jokingly told him "this feels a lot like your cock". When I turned to him, it was a random 10 year old boy. FML

Today, I went to my new job at a pre-school. I was really excited because everything was going so well, and a little boy even said he was drawing a picture of me. He even gave it to me when he was finished. Well it was me, but I was also on fire and being stabbed and shot multiple times. FML

Today, I was working as a counselor at a fat camp. The kids bet me I couldn't do a sit-up while blindfolded. Never one to turn down a bet from minors, I set out to prove them wrong. When I sat up, my nose went right into a fat kid's buttcrack. FML

Today, I was on a friends trampoline trying to convince my mom trampolines are safe and I should get one. While telling her I smashed my knee into my face. I jumped off bleeding, slipped, hit my head on the trampoline, and got knocked unconscious. FML

Today, my entire family blamed me for the death of my grandpa, because I didn't go to church this morning. I didn't go to church because I was the only one who volunteered to stay with him that night, because everyone else wanted to go play on my uncle's new Wii. FML

Today, I found out that the girl I've been in love with for a long while got back together with her ex boyfriend because he had confessed his true feelings to her through a note in her locker. It was my note. FML

Today, I got T-boned by a woman going 60 mph. I was unconscious for hours while a tube was inserted into my collapsed lung. Upon waking up my 16-year old brother thought it would be hilarious to yank out my leg hairs. FML

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML